Three Steps Back

My psychologist says alcohol will only set me three steps back.

He’s right.

But why am I craving Amarula the first night I’m out of the clinic?

Maybe he was right.

Maybe I did need the addiction unit

to treat the craving

for the creamy taste of that drink.

I can’t say I didn’t try.

With the unbearable noise of drunk patrons filling the restaurant,

a lovely but inexperienced waiter asks,

“What will you have to drink today?”

I answer confidently,

“A Bar One milkshake.”

But in the back of my mind,

I wonder how good a shot of Amarula would taste in it.

Shaking it off,

I scan the menu

and order a surf & turf.

My guest helps me decide —

while sipping his gin and tonic.

I envy him.

That easy sip.

That casual glow.

The kind of fading happiness

that pulls me to the ground:

A night ending in vomit, regret, agony, and guilt.

I give in.

I order the Amarula,

telling myself it’s just

“A craving I get before my period.”

Maybe I was too ambitious —

Thinking that going cold turkey would be easy.

Even though I didn’t have a second drink,

the first one felt like a failure.

I hear my psychologist’s voice in my head:

“Alcohol will only take you three steps back.”

Back to the cycle.

Back to the depression.

Back to collecting souvenirs

in the closets of my sexual encounters.

And yet —

It’s fortunate.

Because the girl who once found solace

in that spiral

is not the girl who lives to tell this story.

I lie next to the man,

staring at the ceiling,

and I already know:

This is not the life I want.

So I guess I’d better go.

Writer’s Note

Recovery is not always a clean break — sometimes it’s a long conversation with yourself.

This piece is one of those conversations.

It’s about relapse, temptation, and choosing to be honest even when that honesty hurts.

It’s about trying — and trying again.

~Shantey Moabelo