Depressive lows

The last few days have been filled with enthusiasm, excitement and encouragement. I haven’t seen my psychologist in a few days, but my psychiatrist has been a great deal of help. I’ve been excited to tell my psychologist about my blog and that I’ve finally tapped into what I am passionate about. As I sit here, I realise that even though I’ve had my breakthrough, it doesn’t rid me of the fact that I still have Bipolar. I, unfortunately, will still have my depressive lows and my elevated moods. Being at the Mental Health Clinic for two weeks has been a journey that has shown me that even though I am receiving the best help I need, it’s still up to me to do all the hard work. I understand that takes time, but I wish I were “fixed”.

I reflected today and thought about my past relationship. After nine months, this is the first time I’ve gotten over him. I’ve also been absorbing people’s pain and sorrows that I am not quite sure if it’s the former or the latter that’s making me sad. I haven’t felt this way in a while, the sadness that creeps in when you least expect it. And taunts your heart till it spreads to your chest. But could it be that I’ve finally decided to let go of what has been holding me back? Could it be that I have held on to you for so long that I am not sure who will catch me when I plummet? Will there be anyone? Or will I fall to my demise? 

Geeze, I’ve done some reflecting today. I feel mentally drained, but I can’t stop typing. My mind can’t stop running. I’m getting overwhelmed by so many people around me, that I want to crawl up into a cocoon and bask in my sadness. But these are the people that understand. I have finally found my people. Sometimes it’s good to rest. Our mind spends too much time running different ideas, thoughts, and feelings. Sometimes you have to know when to stop. And this is where I stop. 

~Shantey Moabelo