Darkness 

TW: Suicide attempt

In tears,

I run to my room and feel the rush of emotions filling my mind with thoughts of putting an end to the pain that consumes my heart.

“You broke me into pieces”,

I repeated.

You made me create a messy piece of artwork on the canvas of my arms,

And it’s covered in red. 

I get into my room and lock the door.

My last words were,

“I can’t do this anymore”.

And that was it. 

Darkness and no feeling.

Silence and no dreams.

A coma on my deathbed.

Is this what death feels like,

absolute silence?

No more pain,

no more sorrow,

no more painting,

no more running,

and no more masks?

I bet it feels good.

But then again,

You probably don’t feel at all. 

I have no memory of the two hours I laid there,

completely lifeless,

But all I can recount is how my friends felt when they saw the froth in my mouth and the trauma it must have caused them.

“You should have died that day”.

“You should go back to the psych ward because it didn’t help”.

You say these words to people, not knowing how much damage they can cause.

And yes, I should have died that day,

but deep inside,

I wanted to live.

I wanted someone to fight for me, but the only people who fought for me were the doctors in that hospital room.

Death consumes those whose minds keep running,

Whose thoughts of suicide dominate their subconscious.

Driving one to act in moments of passion.

I didn’t die that day,

but a part of me did.

~Shantey Moabelo