Am I an Alcoholic?

It’s 4 pm and I wake up with a hangover from having drunk since 9 am. I stagger to the kitchen, to see if there is any more I can drink. “Perfect” I whisper and crack open another bottle of beer. This carries on the whole day till I finally pass out after midnight. The sleep is uncomfortable, I toss and turn till 5 am, and the cycle of drinking continues. Nothing defined my day, either than drinking and passing out. I quit my work a few days ago. Hangovers made me lazy, and my passion for my work diminished. “Don’t fuck it up” my employer once said. And I always did. The anxiety crept in every time I had to explain a dish to customers, and the sorrow in my eyes and the stutter in my voice was evident. In worry, my manager asks “do you think she can handle this?”, I believed I could, boy, another lie I believed. I lived in my own world, I would dissociate, creating stories in my head, with everything blocked out around me that I would only hear the last part of what was said in a conversation. My imagination consumed me, to the point where it felt like I was living outside of my body. I have always used alcohol as a way to distract myself from the underlying pain that lay just beneath the mask I had placed. It felt good to be distracted, but the fake mask of happiness could only last a few hours till I get home and store it in my closet filled with many masks I had collected, my souvenirs.

Trauma has its ways of creeping into your bed while you’re sleeping, in moments of joy while you’re dancing, in between cuddles with a loved one, and even in erotic sexual encounters. But still, I wake up, and alcohol is the first thing on my mind. It’s been 9 days sober, and the experience is liberating. It feels good to wake up to the fresh smell of Colgate brushed the night before, instead of the sickening smell of alcohol that’s fermented on my palate. My days are productive, all I do is write. Write about my pain, my happiness, my love, my lust, my passion, and my story. Allow me to put your story into words.

This is my journey to recovery, and I am not afraid to share it…

~Shantey Moabelo